


2.5kg of trouble

by glacecherie



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Wishbabies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-06-24 01:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19713340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glacecherie/pseuds/glacecherie
Summary: "Oh, fuck" are tethnically the first words Zach says to his tiny, newborn daughter when she floats down onto his doorstep.He takes her inside and unravels her from her swaddling to dress her in the single provided outfit, and notices - by virtue of their hooking up that they don't talk about - that she has the same freckle pattern on her belly as Willy."Oh, fuck" He says again. 50% of the words he's said to his daughter thus far are swears, he thinks hysterically.(Or: Zach makes two resolutions. 1) make sure his baby doesn't die because he's incompetent and panicky, and 2) don't tell Will.)EDIT: now with new coda chapters!





	1. oh, fuck.

Zach would love to say he doesn't freak out when he's mysteriously pulled from sleep at 5am. He'd love to say that he doesn't feel that something is Wrong (tm) and searches his house for something amiss, carrying one of the heavy candlesticks his mother got him as? Protection? Or something? He'd love to say that he doesn't feel incredibly stupid when he finds nothing.

Alas.

It isn't until he sees the little blinking lights through his front door that the strange sense of having found something he didn't even know he was looking for floods him.

He puts the candlestick down and creeps up to the door, peering out. Even with the frosted glass he knows, instinctively. It's why he opens the door extra quietly, falling to his knees only partially of his own violation, because - there they are. A perfect, sound asleep baby. The basket is covered, repelling snow by some strange way, and the little lights on the inside of it illuminate their sleeping face.

Oh shit, he thinks as he carries them carefully in. He's already in love, nearly floored by the instant, inate need to protect and nourish and nurture. Oh, shit.

Oh fuck. He doesn't know what the hell is happening to him, much less how or why. His mom is going to freak.

Panic scratches at his throat.

He needs to make some calls.

-

Perhaps foolishly, he calls Willy first, because. Well. He's had to unwrap the baby from the swaddling to put on the one little sleep suit provided, the one daiper, and in doing so he's - noticed a certain something. Even before realising she's a little girl, he recognises the little network of freckles on her stomach, exactly the same as Will's. The guy he's been on-off hooking up with for nearly two years. The guy he's painfully, very resignedly in love with. The guy he's fairly sure would run from going steady, let alone do - this.

But Willy is the one with twenty million siblings and tiny cousins that look even tinier in his arms and - also he'll definitely have some blankets and daipers, hopefully, seen as he was complaining endlessly about the stuff one of his recent parent friends had left behind. He should call an actual parent on the team (Patty would be great), but he just - needs to deal with this first. Rip off the band aid. Get the absolute crushing heartbreak out of the way, then buy a bunch of bodysuits and rompers and whatever else a - his - tiny daughter requires. He's got a plan.

-

The plan, which was shaky to begin with, falls apart like wet cardboard the second he sees Willy, because, the whole in love thing? It doesn't go away when you witness that person pick up a tiny baby and look utterly enthralled with it.

Zach needs a minute, but he doesn't exactly have one, not when Willy is grinning like that and kissing her tiny baby head, and also talking a mile a minute.

"I don't know stuff about formulas so I asked the woman, and she didn't recognise me, but she went on and on about how it's nice to see a young dad be hands on, and I didn't deny it because I was trying to concentrate and -"

Mentally, Zach facepalms.

"Deep breath." He says, managing to hold off from laughing deliriously.

"Sorry. The point I'm making is i panicked, and got 4 different kinds of formula. Also I didn't know if she was a girl or boy so I got yellow rompers, and there's some ones with hockey sticks on that were left behind at mine. And a suit to make her look like a bear, but it'll be too big, and - wow this is so weird."

He looks almost as hysterical as Zach feels, laughing his weird endearing laugh and apologising to the baby when it startles her. Zach is going to lay on the floor and die.

"Can you do the milk?" He asks, because he feels exhausted already. It hardly bodes well.

Willy lights up.

"Sure! I learned to do it when I was a kid for one of the younger ones in my family." He wrinkles his nose. "I wasn't good at the feeding bit, though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I got threw up on a bunch."

Zach pulls a face.

"Isn't that just babies, though?"

Willy looks thoughtful for a second, and Zach can feel his patience fraying, because Willy really is just. That good with kids. Loves his family that much. Is putting together a bottle for his daughter (which wow, is real weird to say) with such ease it's like he's a natural.

Fuck.

"I guess. I haven't had one, though. Yet."

He looks wistful, a little distant. The baby gurgles and flaps its arms over Willy's shoulder.

Zach can't stand it.

"Yet."

Willy flusters. He's much paler in winter, and Zach can see the colour flood his cheeks.

"I mean, you know how my family is, and...I don't know. My mom half expected me to have a kid by now."

"What." Zach blinks.

"I think it was a joke! I don't know! I just think kids are neat. I wouldn't mind having one, but like...I'd miss it on roadies, and everyone would be judgy and - yeah. I want a family for sure but. Yeah."

"That made no sense. Besides, you don't want a kid. Last week I had to hold your hair back for you, and when you woke up the next day with a hangover you cried." Zach says, a tad mean.

There's a brief second where Willy looks really, really stung.

"Wouldn't be so bad with the right person." He mumbles, stroking the baby's hair.

Zach wants to laugh bitterly, and he wants to punch himself in the mouth, because he can't stop running it.

"You don't even do relationships, Willy."

"I could, there's, uh. Someone and -"

Zach doesn't want to hear it, so he cuts him off before he can finish.

"You really couldnt." Zach mutters, rolling his eyes, and decides to change the subject. "Isn't the bottle ready yet?"

Willy still looks hurt, and it's so fucking strange, but he has bigger problems right now.

He doesn't tell him.


	2. you can do jello shots and be a good dad

Three days pass, and a steady succession of teammates visit, most notably Mitch and Auston, who seem fascinated.

Mitch, it transpires, does not know how to hold a baby ( _support her head!_ Zach cries at least 3 times), but declares her to be "dope". Auston _does_ know how to hold a baby, but she doesn't like him. They do their whole looking at each other and telepathically communicating thing, and smile all sappy when they think he isn't looking, and Zach is not a bitter man. He just needs to call his mom later to vent and kvetch until he dies.

Also he needs to talk to her about names.

And also break the news.

Which he hasn't.

He fully expects 40 minutes of _why do you hate you mother, Zach_? and _do you want me to die of grief, Zach?_ and _is the other man that nice blonde boy?_

Speaking of, weirdly, the smoothest thing to organise of all is the babysitter. A non-hockey friend knew someone who had a daughter who was trustworthy, had kids of her own, and "she's gay too, Zach!" He isn't sure how that factors into anything, but she's also "not Mitch", who offers his services.

(Auston had punched him in the arm. "He's after someone to look after her when we're on roadies, dumbass, how would that work?" and they'd began to bicker until Zach shooed them away to optional skate.)

It's weird. She's so _small_ and so unexpected, but the prospect of not having her just metres away at most is making his heart heavy.

(Willy hovering constantly makes it heavier.)

-

"Does she eat real food too? Like as well as milk?" Willy asks him one night, bringing in another bowl of popcorn, and Zach rolls his eyes.

"Willy, she's a newborn. She's doesn't eat food until she's -" He picks up a manual from the book stack Patty had asked Christina for - "4 months. Even then it's just potatoes and boiled veggies all mushed up. And meat, sometimes."

Willy wrinkles his nose and sits down again, snuggling into Zach's side like he belongs there, and nothing has changed. It hasn't for _him_ , he supposes, but that's hardly the point.

"Okay, but how long until she can skate."

"Let me just find that out from that baby encyclopedia." He says, and doesn't mean for it to come out so _scathing_.

Willy looks slightly stung.

"No, I just mean - like, it'll be cool y'know, when we take her to family skate. Her own tiny jersey. Those tiny skates."

"We? You really think you'll be playing house with me then?" Zach splutters incredulously, then to soften the blow; "Maybe she won't even want to skate."

Willy doesn't reply for a while, eyes focused on his hands in his lap.

"I just thought - maybe -"

"Also" Zach says, to try and lighten the mood "I can't leave my daughter in the care of someone who thinks jello shots are a good idea aged 22."

It's works. Will's huffing out one of his dumb sounding trademark giggles.

"Hey, you can do jelly shots _and_ be a good parent!"

Zach snorts.

"I mean, you're not her parent, so you don't have to worry about that."

Apparently his coping mechanism is straight up lying. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

He looks up, and their eyes catch. Will looks embarrassed, suddenly. Dejected, for some reason.

"I _know_ that, it's just - nothing, don't worry about it. It was nothing." He murmurs, and his smile looks out of place, but with the sleep deprivation Zach thinks a lot of things have seemed odd as of late. Time passes in a blur and he'd spent ten minutes this morning relearning to use his own fucking coffee maker

He presses play, they cosy up tighter, Willy clinging, and yeah, the baby definitely isn't the only person in his life who makes his heart ache.

-

"Listen, earlier - I know I pushed it. Thanks for not making it weird." Willy says in the doorway, and Zach waves him off, because he's currently desperately trying to find a clean bib and Willy very abruptly announced his decision to go, and maybe he could actually help instead of fucking off? Maybe? "I was trying but -"

 _You could help now instead,_ he snaps internally, and immediately wants to slap himself for being so mean.

Zach is only a little bitter, because earlier he was all in about family and shit, and now he's taking off.

Zach is (only a little) bitter because Willy came to find him to carry on the film and stopped in his tracks when he saw Zach's patented method of getting her to sleep.

Mostly, it involves walking up and down and up and down the hallway and singing to her, and it either makes her sleep or makes her cry. He does _not_ have a handle on this.

Which Will had seen, and gone "actually maybe no", suddenly, awkwardly changing his mind.

 _No need to look so constipated_ , he thinks. _I'm not going to trouble you with this._

"Wait, pushed what?" He asks, finally having found one in the kitchen drawers of all places.

Willy has a sad, pinched expression to him.

"You know...the family stuff. It's not my place to butt in. I mean, I'm not anything to her, am I?"

Zach is having an internal crisis. If he says _yes_ he'll have to explain, and he doesn't want that. Saying _no_ outright seems too harsh.

"Zach?"

"Er...look, Will, it's great that you're around, but you're hardly-"

Willy flinches.

"Right." He says, and he sounds choked up, but he's also turned partially away, and Zach has a grumbling baby directly in his ear, so who knows. "Sorry."

"Hey, it's fine. Do you want to head in to practice tomorrow together?"

He's is lowering her into his arms as he waits for Willy to put his coat on so he can see him off when she sneezes three times in a row, and it's the sweetest thing he's ever seen. He's in so deep already that it should be terrifying. He stares at her, caught and tired and emotional. She's his and she's so small, and so lovely. Her hands are so fucking little.

When he snaps out of it, he catches Will looking at them, wistful. He must miss his family a lot.

"Willy?" He asks cautiously. "Do you wanna carpool thursday?"

"Sure." Willy answers eventually, that same weird smile back again. "Pick me up at eight?"

"Mhmm. See you soon."

Zach gives him a one armed hug the best he can, and before he lets go, sees Willy stroke over her tufts of blondish hair.

He leaves in a hurry after that, and if Zach wasn't feeling vaguely nauseous with lack of sleep, he'd think about it some more. As it is, he lowers her carefully into her side sleeper crib and falls asleep by her before his head even hits the pillow.


	3. three and a half mangoes long

The thing is, Willy still visits most days. He asks dumb questions and has a knack of getting her to sleep for her midday nap.

Any other time of day, it doesn't work, but at **12pm,** he's like baby valium or something. Zach wonders if they do that, then fantasises about inhaling an entire bottle of them before he calls his mom and breaks the news. She's gonna be so mad. She'll full on motherly guilt trip on his ass, and he's terrified.

"Not doing it, nope." Zach says, hand hovering over the landline phone various teammates have knocked him for having, like an old man.

"You have to sooner or later." Willy murmurs. She's asleep in his arms and Zach sort of wants to either cry or laugh hysterically. "I mean, once it's done it's done, right?"

Zach scowls.

"I have a suspicion that swedish mothers are vastly different to jewish mothers."

Willy looks weirdly tense, and he's never tense. Well, contract drama aside. Usually on off days he's most likely to be found lounging attractively some place or another or buying questionable designer clothing.

"You don't think she'll be pleased? Not even for u - for you?"

"Literally why would she be happy about a surprise kid? Imagine if it happened the more common way and I'd accidentally knocked a girl up, and she left the thing on my doorstep. She'd chew me out and lecture me for the rest of my life when it came up. What makes you think this is any different?"

He knows he's being harsh, but he can't stop it. Half of his brain is constantly, low-level whispering tell him, even though it'd be disastrous.

Will doesn't call him on it, though. Instead he suddenly looks incredibly, incredibly worried.

"Don't you want her?" He whispers.

"Oh come on, you can't be attached already, surely? And obviously I'm attatched, she's my daughter, she's tiny and perfect and I love her."

Willy nods stiffly, looking at her.

"You're right there." He says quietly.

Zach sighs.

"Sorry, she's just. A lot, all the time."

"When she's so small?" Willy jokes, lamely. "Hey, have you done the normal newborn stuff? Weighed her and measured her?"

"Huh? No. Why would I have?"

"Isn't that usually what people do when they announce their new arrivals? One of my cousins had a whole photo shoot where he was in a bear costume."

The very rational bit of Zach's mind that he's managed to retain on 2 hours sleep is screaming at a high enough decibel to flatten a house. This is too domestic and it will kill him, or his mom will. It's an even toss up.

Fuck, his mom. She's not blind, she's gonna make some tenuous connection between the fact the baby is white-blond. Technically, he was blond too, but it was (in her words) "dishwater blond", to keep him humble. She has weird mom intuition. It must be tingling like spidey-sense currently.

Will clicks in front of his face.

"Earth to Zach!"

"Oh. Sorry. You were saying, weighing her or something?"

Willy perks up, and that's either his coffee kicking in, or an idea. Both options are...ominous.

"You got a scale?" He asks, rummaging through Zach's pristine cupboards.

-

2.5kg is - according to google - average. They try to measure her for fun, but she's too wriggly, so they suggest weird units of alternate measurement until they crack up.

"3 and a half small mangoes long."

"2 remote controllers!"

"Half the sleeve of this" Willy gestures to himself "beautiful balenciaga jacket."

Zach buries his head in his hands.

"Enough!"

Willy does his stupid laugh and Zach is, he will reiterate, going to die.

-

Willy leaves again in the afternoon and promises to come back with groceries.

"Just move in, why don't you." Zach mutters, and Willy just beams at him.

When he's shut the door, he hears her start to cry and goes back upstairs to scoop her up. She's so small in his arms that he can't get used to it. He'd seen a few articles that recommended letting her cry it out, but that seemed fake, because surely that worked around the idea that she's able to reason enough that she cries for attention. She doesn't even have a concept of object permanence. Also one of the books said that skin contact and affection makes for emotionally healthy young children.

Credit where credit is due to himself, he's frazzled, but he can still hold that in his head.

Names are another matter entirely, though. He's liked Rachel, but somehow, even young as she is, she doesn't look like one. Willy suggest the female version of Zach, to which Zach says, very exasperatedly, there are none.

"Who are you?" He says to her, mouthing at her tiny tiny hands, because somehow that's what they inspire in him.

She continues squawking like a baby bird until he's paced what feels like ten miles.

-

Willy does return later, with more groceries than the entire team would require, a crib, seven new body suits of various hideousness, and two pieces of bad news.

"Thanks for this. Not so much for blocking my entire hallway with stuff, but I trust you'll sort it."

Willy looks vaguely affronted and slightly out of breath.

"Wait, you'll help right?" He says.

Zach snags a carton of juice from on of the paper bags and twists the cap off one-handed. He drinks from the bottle because he's a rebel and also just woke up face down on the floor next to her carefully constructed day bed.

"Can't." Zach replies. "Holding this."

He gestures to her, then holds the bottle about 8 inches from her face, because she can't focus beyond that. The fact that her eyeballs are still developing sight is creepy, but she blinks curiously, and she's stopped being upset he had to change her, so it's also win.

The pieces of bad news are that 1) Willy took his sarcasm seriously and actually brought an overnight bag, and 2) he insists he's found a feminine form of Zachary.

It's from a WASPy family blog, and suggests, in no particular order: Zacklee, Zeiee (pronounced Cee), Zacharina, and Zackreee (three e's. Seriously.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jewish mother stereotypes brought to you by: every mom I know at my synagogue, Feminine form of Zach brought to you by an actual waspy mommy blog. Seriously, Google it.
> 
> Thank you for reading :^)


	4. future zach's problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Imagine wanting something so much, with your whole heart, that you actually get it." He's only slurring the tiniest amount.
> 
> Zach squints at him.
> 
> "I didn't mean to get her." He says. Willy knows that.
> 
> There's a long pause, and Willy shifts.
> 
> "I know what I'd want." Willy mutters, and Zach doesn't have time to ask him to clarify, because he leans in and kisses him.

Baby is 2 weeks old now, and still lacks a name. Zach keeps looking at her and seeing which ones fit, but none of them seem to, then he looks at her _too long_ and gets confused again.

He's told his mother, at least. She promptly, predictably, chewed him out, then descended upon his house 2 days later. High points included seeing his mom get emotional and nearly squeezing the life out of him when she hugged him. Low points included her talking to the sitter (who ratted him out about Willy visiting all the time, albeit by accident), and then his mom talking to him about the said Willy-visiting-all-the-time problem.

"So....." she'd said, and raised her eyebrows, and _waited_ , and yeah, he's nearly 30 and is terrified of his mom and her mom intuition, so _shoot_ him.

(It had all come tumbling out, and he'd maybe vented for 5 minutes without pause, because oh my god, what is his life!)

Eventually, her advice was "tell the man, then you go from there. If he's an asshole, I can always strangle him."

Zach swallows nervously just remembering. He doesn't _think_ his mom will _actually_ strangle Willy if he doesn't want part in her life, but also he'd completely understand if she _did_ , if that was the outcome.

-

Their first roadie since she arrived is hellish, and he wakes up an hour early just to fit in what baby books call _quality time._ Skin to skin contact and talking to her are important. Also, now she's a month, she can focus her eyes to a distance of about 8 inches.

Zach holds a banana up when she's on his lap before he eats it.

"See? Breakfast. Yum." He says, and she whacks a pudgy hand on it. "Yeah! I'm definitely not thinking about the turkey bacon I have in the fridge. Nope. Instead I'll just have this...a fucking _banana_."

She goggles her big blue eyes at him, like she knows he just swore.

"Sorry." He says, and switches the news on. "Hey look, terrible things are happening."

She's far more interested in the chain around his neck, so Zach settles in and zones out a little.

-

He wakes up to Willy staring at him.

"Jesus fucking _christ_!" He whisper-shouts. "Who let you in?!"

"You gave me a key!" Willy whispers back, snapping out of whatever creepy staring trance he was in.

"Not to just come _watch me sleep_!"

Willy rolls his eyes and hold out a coffee cup, and Zach promptly decides that all past crimes are forgiven.

-

"How come you're here so early?" He says, when he's lowered her into the crib he keeps in the living room. "You weren't gonna pick me up until 11."

Willy sips his gross frappacino.

"Wanted to check on her. And you, obviously. But mostly her."

"The novelty will wear off soon, and you can go back to sleeping in." He replies tiredly, and Willy looks oddly affected.

"Don't think it will."

" _Hmm_."

"What, it won't! I'm committed!"

Zach feels weirdly queasy. _Committed to what_ , he wants to say. _Committed to being fucking heartbreaking?_

He's not in a cheesy hallmark movie, so he doesn't actually voice that, but the thought is there.

"Oh," Willy says, perking up. "Take this."

He hands over a small gift bag, with an even smaller present inside.

"Did you wrap this?"

Willy flusters.

"Shut up. Yes, obviously. That's why it's falling apart. Just open it."

Zach does as he's told and - _oh._

It's a tiny, tiny jersey with his own name and number on the back.

"Oh." He says, because he's very intelligent and went to college and totally knows how to express himself. " _Oh_."

Willy fidgets.

"Do you like it? It's probably too big but she can grow into it."

"It's. Great. Thank you."

Willy beams, and Zach _loathes_ how disarming it is.

"I just figured, yknow, I thought it'd be sweet. Not saying I didn't consider putting my own number on her back but -"

"But it'd be weird because you're not her dad?"

"Oh. Uh, no. I just thought it'd be more meaningful if it was yours. I mean, I know you've said I'm not anything to her, but maybe - but maybe I want -"

"Will, calm down, I was kidding."

Willy deflates. He looks younger when he's unsure of himself or sad or tired.

"Sorry." He says, and Zach wants to ask _what for,_ but the doorbell goes, and the sitter arrives.

"Gotta get that." Zach says hastily, and flees. _Saved by the bell,_ he thinks, then promptly wants to slap himself for that joke.

"Hi." He greets as he gets the door, schooling himself into looking calm and in control of himself. "Let me get that for you."

He takes her baggage and definitely doesn't die a little on the inside when he catches her watching them both fondly as they say goodbye to her later.

"Not what it looks like!" He wants to scream, then; "I wish it was what it looks like!"

-

They win the first game of their roadie, and drunk Willy does not care that Zach got a room to himself purely to catch up on peaceful, blissfully uninterrupted sleep.

"Imagine wanting something so much, with your whole heart, that you actually get it." He's only slurring the tiniest amount.

Zach squints at him.

"I didn't mean to get her." He says. Willy knows that.

There's a long pause, and Willy shifts.

"I know what I'd want." Willy mutters, and Zach doesn't have time to ask him to clarify, because he leans in and kisses him.

It's such a _cheap_ line, but Zach sinks into it like he would a warm bath, suddenly hungry for it. He grabs the front of Willy's shirt and hauls him closer until he's no choice but to climb into Zach's lap. Willy kisses softer than he remembers from just over a month ago, and he's clingier. He barely lets go when Zach presses him into the sheets, or sucks a hickey into his throat (if anything, he clings tighter at that), or reaches for his dumb gucci belt.

It's _weird._ Not unwelcome, but weird. It'll hurt later, but Zach has just enough alcohol in his system that he'll make that future Zach's problem.

-

Later, when it's 4am and Willy is trapping him by falling asleep across him, he thinks about names, and what Willy said.

Did he _really_ want her with his whole heart, and not realise? Can you even do that?

It makes him think, then he gets around to thinking how ridiculous it is that she's still just called _baby_.

He googles a few things, and checks out the name website links his mom gave him, and somehow, at 4am, struggling to breathe under the weight of his on/off unrequited hookup, everything comes together.

Libi. She'll be called Libi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Libi means "my heart" in hebrew, see what I did there. My basic knowledge of hebrew names finally comes in useful. For this. This. 
> 
> I'm sorry, God. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :^)


	5. you can't placate me this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The period of relative peace all comes crashing down the next time they go out out, for him at least. He takes great care not to react where he's sat in a booth chatting to Mo, because he hadn't even noticed at first. Not until he'd heard Auston jerk his head at the dance floor and hiss "what the fuck is Willy doing?! to Mitch.
> 
> When he'd looked up he'd seen what they meant.

The exact day of her being a month old, she sleeps through. Zach wakes at 5am anyway, irrationally scared she hasn't cried. He switches the nightlight on and checks she's breathing and that her blankets are secure and lays, just looking at her. His mom is is visiting later in the day, and she'll probably want a cheesy photo of her next to a sign that says "I am one month old" or something.

Libi's still so small that Zach is worried he'll hold her too hard and she'll die or something. First he'd worried about registering her birth (surprisingly painless), then taking her for a check up (she did beautifully and then made sure to throw up milk on Zach's shirt), now this.

He checks a baby book and it's rare, but not unheard of, especially when she had such a big meal before bed.

He rests his hand on her tiny chest, and feels her heart thrum.  
-

His mom gets her cheesy photo, and tearfully hugs Zach so hard that he nearly breaks a rib. His dad crowds in from the other side. Zach maybe gets slightly tearful too. Thankfully, they don't mention Willy.

-

He goes down hard the next game they play, and gets a mild concussion where his head struck the boards. It doesn't feel mild. It feels like someone is using a hammer to escape the left side of his skull.

Naturally, because both karma and the evil eye are put to get him, it's Willy that steps up to help. Zach, if under pain of torture, would admit that he agreed because he's lovesick. He's not though, so he says it's because Libi likes Willy. The newborn encyclopedia says babies don't have short term or long term memories, but do remember people by smell, and may, on some primal level connect that to how that person treats them. So there's that.

At one point he's listening to the TV with his face buried into the cushions as Willy holds an ice pack on his head with one hand and Libi (dribbling on him) in the other.

"You don't have to do this." He says, not meaning to tag on the end "but I'm glad you are."

"Hmph." Willy huffs.

"It's only because you're baby valium."

"You're delirious. I hope it isn't catchy." And then - "go to sleep."

Zach tries to complain but it's easier to lay his head back on Willy's thigh and stew about how he could maybe have this if he was actually a brave man, but what if it went wrong but what if it didn't, and -

He passes out half-hearing some midday news heartwarming story about a lesbian couple and a rare wished delivery of twins.

"Oh, for fuck's sake" is his last thought.

-

Concussions suck, Zach decides, when he gets a random bout of vertigo whilst food shopping and has to stand leant against a freezer cabinet for a while. He's been cleared for normal activities, and this isn't an especially bad bout, but still.

He tries to look normal and checks his phone. Mitch is insisting he's her uncle now, and sends a photo of a (presumably custom) "I'm uncle to the tiniest maple leaf" complete with photoshopped picture of her holding a tiny leafs flag. Auston is despairing in the background, and his latest text is one warning him that the surprise Mitch is talking about is a custom babygrow.

Freddie offers babysitting duties and Zach half wants to say yes purely because she really would look like a small doll being held by someone that massive.

He texts back a string of placating emojis to Mitch, and a string of terrified ones to Auston, and reassures Freddie that he's on the lost of "people he trusts with a tiny human".

-

The period of relative peace all comes crashing down the next time they go out out, for _him_ at least. He takes great care not to react where he's sat in a booth chatting to Mo, because he hadn't even noticed at first. Not until he'd heard Auston jerk his head at the dance floor and hiss " _what the fuck is Willy doing?!_ to Mitch.

When he'd looked up he'd seen what they meant.

Willy, pressed tight to the front of some guy with biceps for days and thick thighs, grinding his ass against him to the beat. His eyes are closed, head tilted back so his neck may be kissed.

Zach feels doused in cold water.

He can't deal with this.

He texts Rachel, the sitter, that he's coming home early, and sneaks away quick without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one this time, but I hope yall enjoy! Please let me know what you think. Writing this I wish I'd given Zach twins now, but whatever. One for now.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. unobscurity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why didn't you tell me?" Willy says, despondent. 
> 
> (Or, the other shoe drops.)

The thing is, Zach _tries_ to psych himself up to confess, but each time anxiety gets the better of him. The thing is, anxious Zach? He's kind of a bitch.

He'd learnt that when he'd accidentally vented at their sitter, completely without meaning to, and she'd honestly looked like she was ready to leave, but his brain to mouth filter had apparently died, and it was - a lot.

(Libi even smacks a hand on his chest, and he knows that she's just flailing randomly, but what if she wasn't?)

Mostly she had winced a few times listening to him, as though she was trying not to judge, but also thought he was emotionally dense.

"Maybe you're a little...standoffish? When you're anxious? I don't think that's helping things."

Zach had nodded and changed the subject, making small talk, and she'd (visibly relievedly) gone home, and Zach called his mom even though it was 10pm and at this point she'd probably be reading in bed.

(His mom had - in her words - _had her suspicions_ , and Zach had gone _but how,_ and his mom cited the time she came over unexpectedly and Willy was there, in pyjama pants that were the ones she bought Zach last winter.

"That proves nothing." He'd said, suddenly able to hear how snappy his voice sounded. "He borrowed them to stay over."

"Perhaps." She'd replied. "But you had a huge, fresh hickey. So."

"Oh no," Zach floundered. "I have to. Go to bed now, run errands. Not now, tomorrow. But I need my sleep!"

It was, perhaps, the most clunky excuse he has ever given, and that's even with a track record of being bad at them.)

-

He traces the little freckles as he puts baby lotion on her before bed - another tip from Christina - because he's feeling melancholy but also wants her to fall asleep quicker.

Some terrible longing bit of him wonders if the feeling transmits. If Willy is sat at home and feels the ghost of a touch where he's winter-pale, from his belly and upwards, tracing along his ribcage. If he's connected the other stuff.

Zach puts her in nursery crib this time, even though at this point all it consists of is a cot and a bunch of furniture he's procrastinating from assembling. He knows he might end up tossing and turning or pacing and he doesn't want to disturb her. After he checks the bottle warmer is plugged in on the bedside table, Zach crawls under the blissfully cosy sheets, exhaused.

-

50 minutes later, he still can't switch off.

He remembers how _warm_ Willy's skin was under his hands last time they hooked up, and some tiny, stubborn bit of hope makes him wonder if their kisses had been softer for reasons other than jetlag.

There'd been a few moments that stick in his head.

Willy pausing when he'd rolled his hips in Zach's lap, because the shudder that wracked him had been enough that he'd needed a moment to tuck his face into Zach's neck and _breathe_.

The way he looked on his knees, lips parted around the head of Zach's dick through his underwear, turning his head to kiss his palm when Zach had stroked over the bruised, red stretch of his mouth.

Kissing Will through his orgasm until he made soft, hurt noises, but not wanting Zach to pull out until he came too, clinging.

Fuck, he needs to get off. He hasn't had his bedroom to himself for what seems like an age, so it feels almost luxurious.

Zach knows he needs to tell Willy and explain that he understands if he freaks out because he's still only _23_ , or doesn't want to co parent as a couple, or some other depressing outcome. He _knows_ , okay? But that doesn't mean he's suddenly blind. Willy is handsome, and just his type, and sometimes he wants to just shake him like _do you know what you've done to me?_

When he comes, he thinks of fucking Willy, spooned up behind him. He'd get to hold him close with as much skin contact as possible, and suck bruises onto his throat like they'd be indelible come morning. Maybe he'd keep going like how Willy likes, until he's oversensitive and the only words on his lips are begging intonations of Zach's name, and hushed terms of endearment.

-

A week later, the other shoe drops.

His new normal of child-rearing chaos ensues; Libi crying, himself trying to pack and prepare a bottle, his phone ringing, and Willy arriving all at once.

"Fuck, _thank god._ " Zach says under his breath. Will smiles wryly at him, and picks Libi up with practiced ease that makes Zach's breath catch.

He gathers himself enough to greet him, then rinses his hands and gets the formula out. Packing can wait a second, because apparently her meal being half an hour late is the end of the world.

"Sorry about the mess." Zach says, folding the last of his clothes as the kettle boils. "And sorry about her. Food is late, so she's raising hell."

Willy bounces her a little, then makes a face.

"I don't think that's it. Here, smell her."

He holds her up, and her little feet kick angrily.

Zach gets within half a foot and recoils.

"Fucking hell, that has to be her worst one yet." He grumbles, and because his life is a joke, that's when his mom calls again.

Willy rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

"I'll sort her." He mouths, and then turns to her and calls her _stinky_ in a soft tone, and Zach _dies_. Figuratively.

"Hey, mom. Sorry, I had to...deal with some stuff earlier." Zach says when he calls her back.

She does not accept his apology until he's given her updates on Libi, but her voice is soothing, and he finishes the chores that need doing by dusk. He's not looking forward to a 3am alarm for one of their flights at 6am, but he'll take it.

-

The thing is, Zach should have _known_ it was too good to be true.

-

"Why didn't you tell me?" Is the first thing Willy says to him when he pushes open his bedroom door. Libi is laid on her knitted leafs blue blanket, wriggling happily now that she's been changed. She's getting stronger everyday.

Zach feels the colour drain from his face for a number of reasons, most of all how Willy doesn't sound angry at all. If anything, he sounds despondent, but there's a telltale mottling to his cheeks, unobscured since he shaved.

The final puzzle piece slots into place.

Libi's romper has been left open, pushed up to her stomach (she hates it anyhow) from Willy putting a clean diaper on her, and -

He didn't even _think_ , he was so caught up in juggling everything and refusing to ask for help. Of course Willy was going to notice. One freckle would be a coincidence, a little joke, but when there's multiple ones, and her hair is so pale, and her eyes -

Of course he was going to notice.

Zach feels his heart speed up.

He _knows_ he's been a dick because he was scared, he _knows_ Willy deserved better, but trying to speak makes his throat close up.

(He knows he's desperately in love.)

He doesn't want to lose this.

He doesn't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoooooo, things are actually happening, yeah baby!
> 
> (Sorry for upping the rating lol)
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! Please follow me on tumblr @ klenovvy!


	7. braided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love her so much. I was just - terrified."
> 
> A flash of outrage blooms on Willy's face.
> 
> "I love her too, fuck!"
> 
> There's a weighted pause where Willy opens his mouth a couple of times and doesn't say anything, then;
> 
> "I mean, I love you. How could I not love her?"
> 
> Zach feels like the world has tilted beneath him. He feels like any second now things will slide off the shelves anything fall to the other end of the room from it.

Time seems to stop. Some hysterical bit of Zach looks at the clock, just to double check. The second hand keeps ticking. Willy stares at him, and either he's being commendably patient, or he's numb, or he's all cried out.

Zach suspects the latter.

"Zach!" Willy snaps, and Libi startles.

He apologises to her, kissing her messy curls, just beginning to come through. Zach's heart cracks a little.

Just like that, just from that image, everything comes out in a rush.

"I didn't _know_!" He splutters.

Willy goggles his eyes at him.

"I'm serious, I was -"

" _Bullshit_." He says under his breath. "You fucking - _coward_."

"I didn't mean it like - look, I panicked. I was changing her the first time, and -"

"You've known _since then_." Willy says, monotone. "Literally what, like. An hour or less into having her."

Zach winces.

"I panicked because we weren't - we aren't dating, right? And I just freaked out because my logic was _okay, we're not together._ You're younger than me, and before you call me on that, I don't mean you're _dumb_ or _immature_. I just mean that you're young in the sense it's really early to be tied down -"

"She wouldn't tie me down, fuck, _you_ wouldn't tie me down!"

Zach sags against the wall and slides down until he can sit.

"But she - we _would_ be. I don't mean it in a bad way, but she's a commitment. She needs feeding and changing and teaching stuff, and that's not something you pick up and put down, it's constant, and it's exhausting, and yesterday I cried in the shower because I was really, really tired and thought about all the books I could write her."

He takes a deep breath, because getting that all out before he lost the nerve didn't leave room for one. 

"You know, you're sure saying " _I didn't mean it that way_ " a lot in this conversation." Willy snipes. It's deserved.

"I know." Zach sighs. "Trust me, I know. I'm not implying you're fickle, not about her, but - fuck, when I was 23 I don't think I'd even have gotten this far."

Libi is clutching onto one of Willy's fingers, even as her eyes fight sleep. They really are more Willy's shade of blue than his own. She's grown so much already, even in just two months. He imagines her getting bigger and developing and it's both inconceivable and fills him with pride. He's going to show her so much of her little world, if Willy wants to be a part of it or not. All the colours and animals, all the hockey, the high holy days. Everything.

(He hopes with every gristly fibre of himself that he does. He really fucking hopes.)

"I've been around kids my entire life. You've seen my family."

Zach has. They're an army of cute white-blond, button nosed adorableness. A clutch of poster children of Swedish stereotypes.

"But that's different to being there 24/7. You have to understand that. I can never be sorry enough for how badly I handled this, but please try and see where I'm coming from. I love her so much. I was just - terrified."

A flash of outrage blooms on Willy's face.

"I love her too, fuck!"

There's a weighted pause where Willy opens his mouth a couple of times and doesn't say anything, then;

"I mean, I love you. How could I not love her?"

Zach feels like the world has tilted beneath him. He feels like any second now things will slide off the shelves anything fall to the other end of the room from it.

He hadn't expected a love confession to ever be said so despondently. He's speechless all the same.

Willy isn't looking at him. His eyes are pinched closed, and his forehead is pressed to Libi's shoulder.

"You - don't fuck with me on this, I - you - what?"

He is an author, and he's fairly sure someone very, very drunk would have more eloquence right now. Someone coming round from anesthetic. A brick.

"Didn't want to make it a _thing_ when we started hooking up, started realising I couldn't stop it becoming a _thing_ , put it in a mental box marked "oh fuck this is bad" and said to myself I'd just ignore it. That getting anything I could from you was better than nothing."

Willy finally looks at him, and it's scary seeing his face so blank. He shouldn't look like that, and guilt bears down on Zach like a ten ton weight.

"What are you saying?" He whispers, because so much is hanging on this. Everything.

Willy wraps his arm over Libi protectively, and he realises that like with them, he's taking what he can get whilst he still can.

Zach wants to beat his own ass.

Willy takes a deep breath.

"I love you. I love her just as much. I want this, properly, for good, all of it. I didn't even let myself imagine anything like this, and that's saying something, because I think of you _all the time-_

His voice breaks. He takes moment to gather himself.

\- and like, how could I _not_ want this? It used to be that any daydreaming I did, I'd cut it off before it could even get to being with you as _a real thing._ It hurt too much. It's like with hockey, y'know? Taking hits doesn't stop hurting, but you get used to it."

Trust Willy to use a fucking hockey metaphor. Zach's eyes are prickling, and he shuffles closer until he can lie down on Libi's other side. The image feels like it's being imprinted on Zach's heart, both of them protecting her.

He curls his fingers gently between Will's where they rest on her stomach.

"I don't want you that far away ever again, emotionally. Fuck, Willy you don't deserve that. I hate that I'm - that I'm responsible for that. Because I was a coward and couldn't be sure it'd turn out exactly how I wanted, so I left it."

Zach pauses, emboldened.

"But I know what I want now."

He doesn't know how many seconds elapse between him speaking and Willy looking up, cautious as he's ever seen, but something steely and stubborn in his gaze.

"If you're not fucking sure like, 100%, I swear to god, Zach -"

Zach waits to see if he'll continue, doesn't want to cut him off, but he doesn't. He just stares. His fingers twitch, brushing across Zach's palm.

Zach leans over, careful to mind her between then, and kisses him, soft as he can. It's no big, coordinated, silver screen dramatic kinda kiss. It's better. He feels Willy exhale, not gasp, like he's relieved, and their noses bump, and at one point Willy pauses, their foreheads pressed together. His eyes are shut, and this close up all Zach can see is the blurred sweep of his eyelashes and his messy hair. He gets lost in cataloging the tiny details he can make out, and jumps when Willy kisses him again, more heat in it. He nips Zach's lower lip, and Zach squeezes his wrist, having to tamp down the urge to haul him closer by his tee.

He pulls away abruptly, because he doesn't want to make out with her between them. His sitter told a horror story about how one of the couples she worked for in the past forgot their baby was in the room, carried away, and rolled over to find him blinking curiously at them after a while.

Zach shudders.

"Uh, just. Let me put her down."

Willy watches his mouth as he speaks, like he needs to lip read.

"Seems harsh." He snorts, and Zach rolls his eyes.

"You know I didn't mean put down like that, idiot."

Willy shrugs, rolling onto his back and looking at how Zach decorated the ceiling for a few seconds before he gets up.

"Is this all accurate?" He asks, pointing at the constellations painted above them.

Zach whispers an affirmative, carefully picking her up and lowering her into the crib he barely uses for her. It's easier to just have her in his room, but - probably not right now.

"She can't even see it yet, her eyes aren't developed enough, it'll be cool once she can."

He switches the baby monitor and nightlight on, and leans down to kiss Willy's cheek on a whim, just because he can.

"Come on, let's go." He murmurs, and Willy sighs happily, dimples scrunching his face up.

Even though they're literally going one room over, he grabs Zach's hand as he passes like a sap, pulling him along.

-

Zach's brain short circuits minutes later, when he's got Willy in his lap trying to press closer even though it's impossible. It's mirroring the last time they did this, when he thought everything was hopeless, and that alone stokes his desperation.

He slips his hand under Willy's shirt, grabbing his hipbones and digging his fingers in to pull him down, starting up the kind of lazy grind that builds slowly into something filthy. There's probably a metaphor in there, but Zach's brain checked out some time ago, so who the fuck knows. He scrapes his teeth down Willy's throat, glad he's beardless on selfish grounds, because he gets stubble burn incredibly easy and if Mitch mocks him for it one more fucking time -

Willy makes a bitten off noise when Zach closes his teeth on his earlobe, jerking in his grasp, and it peters out into a whine when he slips his hands down and grabs his ass.

"Fuck, _yeah_ -" He says shakily, and Zach is inclined to agree. He wants so much he can barely think. He wants to place soft, chaste kisses the the bit behind Willy's ear that always makes him shiver. Lay him out when he's made sure he's as comfortable as possible and spoil him with love. Kiss him gently as he edges him. Everything.

Willy doesn't appreciate him going all misty eyed and whines, then cuts right to the chase and stuffs his hands down Zach's sweatpants to grab his dick, and that's roughly where he stops thinking altogether.

-

Willy keeps falling asleep in the afterglow, then flinching awake and looking around, tense, then melting back against Zach's chest. It's funny until he realises he's probably doing it because he's still in disbelief that everything has come together like so, and then he's hit by guilt like a freight train.

He strokes his hair, twisting strands around his fingers until he settles down again, and Willy makes a pleased sound. Zach idly wonders whose hair Libi will end up having. He doesn't know where the curls came from, but it makes her look like she's been zapped with electricity when it's humid.

Willy lays his head more firmly on his chest, and Zach feels his eyelashes tickle his breastbone as he comes around.

"Are you braiding my hair?" He asks, stretching in a way that definitely doesn't make Zach go all dry mouthed.

Zach shrugs.

"Trying to. I'm terrible at braiding anything."

"How can you be terrible at braids, they're easy." He snorts. Zach flushes.

"They never stay together! Hair, challah, friendship bracelets..."

"Challah?"

"Braided jewish bread. It makes good french toast. I don't know whether that's sacrilegious, but it's true. You can do the braiding bit of that."

"I can't believe you're dividing up chores already. What if I don't want to? What if I want to live out my fantasy of you being a charming baker that woos me through sweets and gets floury hand prints on me when he bends me over the counter?"

"...Is that a fantasy you have?"

Willy shrugs at him, batting his eyelashes and smiling, all faux charm, and Zach wishes it didn't work for him.

"What can I say...I love dessert. And I love you."

"Not a denial there, eh?"

Willy laughs his dumb, endearing laugh.

"You really expect me to have shame. Like, I'm with you, so..."

Zach shoves him onto the bed beside him.

"Unbelievable. I've been officially with you for" - he looks at the time - "4 hours, and you can't prevent yourself chirping me?"

Willy grins.

"You knew what you signed up for, babe."

Zach rolls his eyes and kisses him, rolling so that he can brace his arm next to Willy's head. He's making soft little noises like he isn't aware he's doing them, and Zach isn't 19 again but he could like, definitely go again.

Just as he's biting Will's jaw, thumb brushing over his nipple, delighting in making him fall apart, the baby monitor crackles.

"Noooooooooo, Libi please -" Willy whines, and even though he's effectively being cockblocked, Zach can see the funny side.

"I need to go sort her, sit tight."

Willy flops and huffs dramatically and grabs his phone, probably to text Kas about how he's been abandoned in a time of need and he's genuinely, truly dying.

"Made to suffer by my own daughter, unbelievable." He mutters, and Zach's glad he's on his way out of the room because he needs to take a moment over that.

He picks her up when he gets to her and cuddles her close against his shoulder, feeling her heart beat under his fingers when he strokes her back.

Willy's daughter, their daughter. It has a nice ring to it.

Zach paces with her, and tells her all about her other dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowee this is the last chapter! I can't believe yall like this so much but thank you so much for all your support! I really couldn't have done it without the encouragement! 
> 
> I've left a spare chapter blank after this one because I'm considering doing a coda a year or so later - would anyone be interested?
> 
> As always, add me on tumblr and give me your head canons and 100 word prompt requests and incoherent screaming @klenovvy


	8. daddy and papa or something else?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outside, the sky is dark, rain pelting down, and Zach wraps her favourite blanket around her, holding her so she can watch the droplets trickle down the glass. It always fascinates her. From somewhere downstairs he can hear quiet domestic sounds; Willy making a snack, the tumble dryer whirring, the kettle boiling and clicking off. Later, MitchandAuston (who are still very happily joined at the hip) will compete for the title of Biggest Baby Hog. Zach wonders if at some point in the future they'll get a baby appear on their doorstep. They'd probably spoil it rotten. His heart squeezes in his chest.

Zach is putting mugs away out of the dishwasher when Willy comes down with Libi balanced on his hip. She's squirming to get down, chubuy little legs kicking, but she needs to eat first, so she'll have to tough it out.

"Morning." He murmurs, kissing Zach's cheek as he leans over him to flick the coffee machine on.

"Good morning." He says, and pointedly eyeballs the clock. It's 11.45 and Willy has a fucking adorable bedhead and Libi does too and he's supposed to not fall to pieces over that, apparently.

"Shut up." Willy replies easily "You didn't get up three times in the night to get her a new teething ring and watch her until she got back to sleep."

"Fair." Zach shrugs.

There's companionable silence for a little while as Willy puts her in her high chair and makes his coffee to his liking.

"Hey, I learnt a new terrible baby fact today. Well, 4am." Willy says, because it's a game they have. Find out weird and/or creepy baby facts and postit note them to the fridge. Auston has declared it to be scary, but Auston's scared of most things - including inflatable bears - so his opinion doesn't count. Mitch is the one that has to get rid of all the bugs.

"What is it?"

"They smell milk."

"Right...? Like, they smell of milk , or?" Zach frowns, not understanding.

"No, like. If they're a natural birth, and their moms are breast feeding, they find where to latch on by smelling the milk even before it comes out."

"Huh. That's...I mean, it makes sense, but. I don't like that."

"Right?"

Libi smacks her hands on the table of her chair. It means she wants something. It's a trick she's learnt, and it's so simple, but when he glances over Willy is glowing with pride. He has been every time she's done it. He gives her a piece of plain bread, and she occupies herself with testing out her new three teeth on it. She won't actually eat it, so he'll be cleaning up mushy, drooly crumbs soon. Again.

Willy, who is _horrible_ , still lets Libi put a piece of it in his mouth, but Zach can hardly talk. Last week he ate a piece of carrot she'd almost nibbled to nothing. Parenting both raises _and_ lowers your standards.

If he can't quite look at them for long without feeling his stomach flip, whatever.

-

Things are quieter in the off season, and it used to make Willy antsy after maybe a couple of weeks tops, so from a purely practical standpoint, Libi is good for him.

Zach definitely isn't thinking that because it means he's occupied and doing his fair share despite being younger, even when he visited family in Sweden. He can't sing, but his long distance lullabies still got a thumbs up from Libi, who isn't old enough to know better yet.

"Oh _shit_ ," He says one night, being pernickety and rearranging the pillows until he's got them to his liking. Zach holds his arm up whilst he gets comfy, used to it by now. "What will she call us?"

He eventually gives up on the pillows altogether and lays his head on Zach's chest.

"Hm?"

"Like, are we going to be _daddy and papa_ or something else?"

Zach frowns. She vocalises little single syllable sounds, and she can put her shapes into her shape sorter, but nothing verbally concrete yet.

"Weirdly, I haven't thought about it."

"The options are endless."

Zach listens as Willy lists them, stealthily resting his book on Willy's head.

"She could call us anything." Willy says when Zach tunes back in, then "Not our first names though. It sounds weird when kids do that."

"Mhmm." Zach replies, because he's definitely not in his feelings again about Willy being really enthused over something this little. Even though he wants to go to sleep, and he has a busy day of writing and taking her to a check-up tomorrow, and he wants to kiss Willy something fierce, he listens to him and hold him close.

-

Mitch and Auston get them a little jersey for her for her first birthday, and on the back it says "daddy and papa", so that settles that.

Willy swears blind he's _not_ crying.

"Chill, it's because your names were too long." Auston says, but he's looking all soppy at Mitch, and Zach has to go get her changed into it so he doesn't get emotional too. He's not really a cryer, but the 4 of them all fussing over her and each other in their family home is sending him some type of way.

Libi immediately starts trying to chew the fabric of her jersey.

"Just like your papa, huh?" He says to her, and she raises her arms and babbles to let him know that whilst he's paying her attention, it isn't enough.

So like, she's definitely Willy's daughter. He rolls his eyes fondly and picks her up.

Outside, the sky is dark, rain pelting down, and Zach wraps her favourite blanket around her, holding her so she can watch the droplets trickle down the glass. It always fascinates her. From somewhere downstairs he can hear quiet domestic sounds; Willy making a snack, the tumble dryer whirring, the kettle boiling and clicking off. Later, MitchandAuston (who are still very happily joined at the hip) will compete for the title of Biggest Baby Hog. Zach wonders if at some point in the future they'll get a baby appear on their doorstep. They'd probably spoil it rotten and clothe it head to foot in leafs merch, or maybe tiny gucci stuff. Do gucci even make baby clothes? Zach resolves to find out so he can plan his long term chirps, but for now he just murmurs endearments and rocks Libi to sleep.

He's - _they're_ all exactly where they're supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, completed! Am I writing this because I'm still in my feelings over my own g-ddamn fic? That's classified!
> 
> I hope yall enjoyed this. Thanks for bearing with me and my sporadic posting, and my tooth rotting fluff, and *gestures* all of this. Lemme know what you think!


	9. coda one: yearning, but yearning maturely.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's better it's this way. That Will never humiliated himself by formally being like "Fairly sure I'm in love with you. Go figure. Let's get married and have more kids and be really embarrassing dads. How do you feel about those chrismakkah sweaters interfaith families wear to family parties? Do they do leafs yarmulke? Girls can wear those, right? No, you don't really get a choice in whether we get them the sweaters, god Zach, come on."
> 
> Whew. Yikes. 
> 
> He pinches the bridge of his nose. None of this overthinking will even change anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, I can't leave this story alone. I've tried. I really have. I just can't let it go. So here's the first of what will be maybe three codas from different points in the story and the future. If anyone has any ideas or wants to hear my million head canons for this, give me a shout @klenovvy on tumblr!
> 
> And now, without further redo, here this bitch is. Takes place between chapter three and chapter four. Enjoy!

_"Wouldn't be so bad with the right person." He mumbles, stroking the baby's hair._

_Zach snorts at him._

_"You don't even do relationships, Willy."_

_"I could, there's, uh. Someone and -"_

_Zach doesn't want to hear it, so he cuts him off before he can finish._

_"You really couldnt." Zach mutters, rolling his eyes, and decides to change the subject. "Isn't the bottle ready yet?"_

Willy probably doesn't have any right to be smarting, because in a vain attempt to stop the _oh no i caught feelings_ thing, he's purposely overstated how much he's _bad_ at going steady with someone, but. Here he is, hurt.

It's not even the kind that hurts _briefly_. It sticks to him, something he can't wipe off even when he gets back to his apartment, because he knows the way this will play out.

Zach is a _proper adult_ with _proper priorities_ and he's _sensible_ and - he has a fucking _kid_ now. Willy always knew that eventually any charm he had a chance of wearing off, or Zach would decide he wants a proper, meaningful relationship. Then he'd look at Willy and not see that in _him_.

Then because Willy has overstated how _terrible_ he is at relationships, there'd hardly be a chance for him to state his case. To be all _"well actually, you don't need to go out looking because here I am"._

He's not even sure that would work, anyhow. _There's someone,_ he'd said, expecting Zach to at least ask who. That'd force him into working up the nerve, to actually confess.

But Zach hadn't asked that. Zach had huffed, disbelieving. No, you really couldn't. _You're too_ [fill in the blank with a nicer, Zach synonym for immature] _for anything real._

Willy swallows hard. It's not that he's angry even, because he set himself up for this. _He_ was the one that was all dead set on this just being friends with benefits, _let's keep it casual, I have commitment issues ha ha,_ and it came back to bite him.

That has to be it, because the alternative is that there's something else about him that Zach doesn't want. Something much deeper, some personality quirk or intrinsic value.

But even when he actively tries to not think about it, he's only so strong. He never had himself down as a masochist, even in the weakest of terms (not emotionally anyway), but this is different. This is essentially a breakup that he hadn't seen coming. Didn't have time to brace for. Didn't even have time to actually make into anything, so does it even count, really?

_"We? You really think you'll be playing house with me then?"_

Like, the sheer disbelief. _You really think you'll still be around then?_

He _gets_ he doesn't have the most mature track record, and that he's younger, but if he was made to choose? If someone forced him to not be a coward? He knows what he'd want. It'd be scary, and take some adapting to, and yeah, maybe he'd have a freakout over certain things at first. But it's an easy choice. He'd have chosen Zach, and now he comes with a baby, so instead of just choosing Zach, he'd choose _them_.

He exhales shakily and curls up tighter. He's got something on netflix running in the background, a blanket around him, but he stopped listening to what was playing from his queued stuff a while ago. He's done it about Zach before, and in a show of sisterly love, Michelle had supplied him with wine and listened to what she called his "Bridget Jones breakdown". She forced him to watch it when he hadn't gotten the reference. It wasn't even a breakdown, let alone a Bridget Jones one. He doesn't have the big, scary underwear.

Even with all his dumb introspection, maybe it wouldnt have made a difference. He could have been with Zach properly and Zach could have gone cold towards him when she arrived. He remembers hearing about it at school, the common misconception that babies delivered to couples are because they both actively wish for one. Usually, they're a happy surprise, even if they were only brought upon the doorstep by one parent. There's been a little segment playing for weeks on the news about a couple who got a delivery of twins. Super rare and cute and both of the moms were _thrilled_. Tearful when interviewed and looking at each other like if the world stopped turning, they wouldn't notice. Like, that's how people usually react.

But not always.

Zach could have found her and _still_ decided he wasn't a good fit within the context of raising a family. Perhaps that would have broken him more. Being overjoyed and then gradually registering the withdrawal of affection. Not helping himself by being upset and clingy when he did, proving his immaturity, his unsuitability. Seeing her grow up and _knowing_ that even with all the effort in the world, it wouldn't change anything.

So it's better it's this way. That he never humiliated himself by formally being like _hey, so. Fairly sure I'm in love with you. Go figure. Let's get married and have more kids and be really embarrassing dads. How do you feel about those chrismakkah sweaters interfaith families wear to family parties? Do they do leafs yarmulke? Girls can wear those, right? No, you don't really get a choice in whether we get them the sweaters, god Zach, come on._

Whew. _Yikes_. He pinches the bridge of his nose. None of this overthinking will even change anything. He's still going to head over later with the tiny custom jersey he's made. He's still gonna leech as much affection as he can before it's too late. It's fine.

It's _fine_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I will never stop inserting tiny jewish references here and there. Have you seen tiny jewish baby kippa? They are SO SMALL!


	10. coda two: tell me when it's all over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach runs the tip of his nose along Willy's jaw. His throat aches.
> 
> Libi toddling around, a hand in each of theirs, a jersey with his own name and number on her back. His and Zach's eyes catching above her head. The soft smile her usually only gave to her directed at him.
> 
> Zach tries to kiss him, but Willy shakes his head.
> 
> What is he doing? Why is he always taking and taking things that have nothing to do with him? Where the hell is he going with this, to a legit relationship? Them, what? Raising her? Zach being - satisfied with him? Get real.
> 
> He climbs off him and takes a deep breath.
> 
> "I'm sorry. I - I'm sorry I keep doing this." He starts, and fuck knows how but he manages to keep his voice level. He's scared.
> 
> Zach looks nonplussed and his hair is a mess and Willy loves him.

Willy keeps trying to bring it up,the whole wanting to be with Zach properly, but there's never a good time. They're busy at practice, and Zach doesn't really come out to bars anymore, and he certainly isn't, uh. Approaching Willy like he used to. It makes him panic, because that's - the only difference between being friends and together was in the hooking up.

Bluntly, the foot in the door he had was them fucking, so he could be all _"so, we're compatible and I'm in love with you, go figure"_. If he doesn't even have that - it's a lot harder to ask. It feels like he already has his answer.

When he overhears Zach talking to his mom on the phone about how scary and cool it is to have his own little family unit, he feels his stomach sink and he feels sick. There was not even a fleeting reference to him and - like he said. Half his answer already.

Does he even need to _embarrass_ himself?

Does he need to put that on Zach, some whiny _bullshit_ about how he accidentally portrayed himself as super, _super_ shallow and now it's come back to bite him? How this is - now that he's seen it properly in the light of day - all he wants, and he's scared that Zach won't even believe him, not really.

He _knows_ how this might go, how it probably will go. Zach will be very nice about it, but disbelieving. He'll probably take care to spell it out and try to soften the blow.

" _I could do a relationship, because I've fallen in love with someone."_

He'd look sceptical. Fuck, he _had_ , when Willy hinted.

_"I never meant to, but now I have. And I want to settle down."_

_"Willy, you're not, uh. I mean, you said you weren't cut out for that."_

_"I know, okay? I know, but something changed. It's super important, okay? I just need to - sorry. Let me just. Give me a minute."_

And Zach would sit there awkwardly as he tried to compose himself. And Willy would work up to it and tell him it was _him_. That he and Libi feel like home like nothing he's ever felt before. He doesn't want anyone else, he wants this, _them_. He wants them to be a family, and it's been hard to even be around them, because he knows Zach didn't ever think that was what he liked, but here he is.

He's just - really fucking scared, because clearer than anything he can picture Zach very slowly shifting away, shaking his head.

 _No_.

_You have to realise, you're hardly - we're not an item. Can you imagine?_

_I can_ , he'd think. _I do_.

-

They do end up hooking up, post win, pleasantly buzzed. He lays his hands on Zach's chest like he can save the feeling and tuck it away for later. _He needs to_ , a small voice in his head says. His expiry date is fast approaching. _This won't last._

Realising that physically winds him, and he tucks his head in the space under Zach's jaw, eyes stinging. _Don't fucking cry,_ he thinks. It'd look so fucking weird, struggling not to lose it in the middle of casual hookup.

This is so temporary. _He's_ so temporary. He's not going to fit into Zach's family. There's been no mention of him, not even in passing, not on the phone conversation he'd overheard. No other dad shit. No _mom she's so beautiful and also here's Willy , yeah, her other dad!_ No mention of him to other people, in the locker room, even to Mitch and Auston. Zero.

Zach's hands sweep up and down his spine. His mouth is against Willy's neck.

He's not going to be there to help raise Libi. She's - she's _Zach's_. One day he'll tell Willy that he's interested in someone or he's gonna make it official with them or - he's just lost interest, he's too busy.

Willy will act cool about it. Of course he's going to. Even when it leaves him feeling hollow and cold and wanting Zach to hold him more than ever, wanting his comfort. He'll tell him that he's right, that this was _fun_ , and - he'll make it work. Play it off until he's back at him apartment. It's fine, of course.

None of this is his to keep. The soft, tired mornings where they kiss very gently as they pass in the hallway, Zach on his way for a nap because he's been awake all night, it's been like - just padding inbetween chapters.

Zach runs the tip of his nose along Willy's jaw. His throat aches.

Libi toddling around, a hand in each of theirs, a jersey with his own name and number on her back. His and Zach's eyes catching above her head. The soft smile her usually only gave to her directed at him.

Zach tries to kiss him, but Willy shakes his head.

What is he doing? Why is he always taking and taking things that have nothing to do with him? Where the hell is he going with this, to a legit relationship? Them, what? _Raising_ her? Zach being - satisfied with him? _Get real._

He climbs off him and takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I - I'm sorry I keep doing this." He starts, and fuck knows how but he manages to keep his voice level. He's _scared_.

Zach looks nonplussed and his hair is a mess and Willy _loves_ him.

"I know we aren't serious okay? I know that."

Zach inhales sharply and looks away.

"I thought that I could do this but - but -"

That was the last time, he realises, and isn't prepared for the cavernous feeling it causes. Libi isn't his. He's not her dad. Zach isn't his partner. Not his to hold or to love.

Zach doesn't - want a family with him, and now he's admitted it, it finally feels real. He's not _anything_ to them. He should have known from literally every cue thus far. The information has been there, he just hadn't wanted to put it all together.

"- but I can't. It's too much and I know that one day you'll have a relationship for real and this will just be forgotten or - a joke or something. Just - _Please_ don't joke about it around me, okay? Do what you want around others but - Yeah. Not around me. Like, I know I'm no good for this and I can't do a thing right, and it's so typical, but I'm _trying_. I thought if I tried -"

He chances a look up, and Zach's face is ashen.

His rambling won't change a thing. _Please don't joke about me. Not about this. Please don't talk about how I went too far and I was always too involved and a hindrance and how you were right. Please don't confirm what I'm scared of. Just let me get this out and go._

He's in love and heartbroken all at once, and the idea of seeing her grow up and loving her so much and never being anything to her - it's too much to bear.

"I'm sorry." Zach says tightly. "Let me just - get my head together"

Willy can't focus his eyes.

He's glad, in the end, that he can't see the pity. Even if it sounds like Zach's got some big explanation coming, it won't be good This feels final. He's _done_.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What if, what if, what if.
> 
> This is how it's go in my head if Willy had a proper meltdown. It's up to you if Zach's about to put him out of his misery or change his whole g-ddamn life.
> 
> Tumblr is @klenovvy- come say hi :)

**Author's Note:**

> It has its own series now, yeaaaah! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who cheerleaded this from its inception as a drabble I wrote whilst 26 hours sleep deprived and on a crowded bus, like what you think!


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